Sixth months after my Father passed, I came to the realisation that I had never truly been happy.
That’s not to say that I never had moments of laughter and fun, rather I had never felt true contentment in my soul.
I’ll be honest that fucked me up!
It’s easy to float through life, subconsciously consuming societal ideas of happiness and convincing yourself they apply to you.
What was hard for me was admitting that I had exhausted myself to get into a Russell Group University because my teachers told me to and that I had spent countless, unhappy hours in sweaty clubs watching my petite white friends get picked up because society said it was fun.
Since I came to that realisation, I have tried hard to consciously find moments that make me happy and repeat them.
Last week I spent the weekend in a beautiful house in Wick with a group of girls I have known for six years. There were hot tubs, pizzas and cases of prosecco.
On paper (and Instagram) that weekend was a much needed break away from the mundane, a chance to recharge and break bread with my millennial mates.
In reality, I came home depressed.
Yet again, I had forced myself to do what made others happy. To do the things that enviable Instagrams are made of.
I was angry at myself. I was also lost and confused. If that weekend didn’t make me happy, what would?
I looked back to the days I had come home most excited to tell my story:
Some weeks ago, I was rushing home from work when I was asked by a man if I could buy him dinner. I almost hurried past, giving my usual apologetic look. This time, however, I felt compelled to stop.
The conversation that followed during the short walk to the station, was one of the most meaningful I had had in a long time. I felt a mutual respect, understanding and hope. In talking to this man, looking him in the eye and (most importantly) making physical contact with him, I felt happier and more fulfilled than I had in a long time.
A week later, also rushing to get home (there’s a pattern here…) I hopped on the train, ready to put on my headphones and ignore everyone around me.
I was immediately asked (by a rowdy passenger) if I had a first class ticket. My default response was to ignore him, instead I took off my headphones and engaged in some friendly banter. For the next hour, I had a train party with a group of people I’d never met.
We drank cider and laughed. We talked politics, music and having the courage to live your own true life.
Those two events are some of the most meaningful and engaging I have had recently.
The point of this blog (aside from using you all as free therapists!) is to encourage you to do things that truly make you happy.
Seek out moments that are meaningful for you.
Go to that movie alone, stay at home when you don’t want to go to the club.
Play to the beat of your own drum and place your happiness above the opinions of others.
God Bless x